If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
