Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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