I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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