party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
