Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
