i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
