Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
