You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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