Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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