the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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