A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
