Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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