my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
