Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Alive.
So much puke
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
