so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
