I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
did i walk over a car last night?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
