I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
