i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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