i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
