That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
