She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
