are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You're a waste of cheezeits
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
