he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
