Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You were trust falling into bushes
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
