Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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