What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
