Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
