The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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