I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
