I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
