She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
