Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
