The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
