Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
