evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
