At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
