well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
