i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It's official drugs can't kill me
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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