Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
