Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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