Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
