Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
