I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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