May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
