i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
