Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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