one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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