I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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