I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
