In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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