I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
