Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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