do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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