You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
